Yesterday, one of our sons was late to work. He neglected to follow the advice - no, the law - I have given him and his brothers from the time they were in Kindergarten. "Get your stuff out the night before." My son waited until one hour before he was supposed to start waiting tables to look for his work shirt. When he found it, it was in the bottom of the laundry with ink stains, and had to be washed, dried and ironed. He was highly frustrated, but had the grace to tell me, "It's not your problem."
He's darn tootin' it wasn't my problem. I have told them until I'm blue in the face. Get out your socks, your shoes, your shin guards, your index cards, your lunch money, your underwear and for Heaven's sake your Pomodoros Italian Restaurant work shirt the night before! If you do, we'll all work together to find whatever is missing, dirty, or yet unpurchased. If you wait until the morning - well, "It's not my problem." My boys have gone to school without coats, missing projects, wearing dirty socks and/or borrowed underwear, simply because they didn't plan the night before. I'm not trying to be unmerciful.* I'm just trying to get my boys prepared for life. So that maybe, just maybe, when they grow up, they wont' be late to work because their uniform is dirty. Or, maybe not.
But at least I can say, "It's not my problem." And then wallow in mounds of guilt, while still knowing I'm teaching a life lesson by not being a helicopter parent...
*Disclaimer: Actually, being unmerciful doesn't require effort on my part, I'm sorry to say. My boys have accused me of having the gift of no mercy. So I am happy to report that I did participate in the discovery and cleaning of the errant shirt. Or my son would have been a whole lot later than he already was. I get a nice mommy award.
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Great post! Those moments are poignant in the true sense of the word-- it means piercing-- like through your heart. But as much as you've been blessed with the gift of no mercy, so say your kids, it sounds like you are also blessed with common sense! and so.... you know that also part of how kids are going to grow up successfully is asking for help and "job-sharing." Helicopter parenting is about doing for, the opposite is job-sharing or doing with your child. Good stuff!
I write about these issues of what helicopter parents (or all parents) can do instead of doing for our kids, in my new book, Freeing Your Child from Negative Thinking: Powerful, Practical Strategies to Build a Lifetime of Resilience, Flexibility and Happiness. It sounds like you already get it! If you'd like to check out the book, or my other books, please look at www.freeingyourchild.com
All best,
Tamar Chansky
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