ADHD-I Turns 18

The most inattentive of our inattentive boys once said that his attention was like an oscillating fan. Bright, artistic, forgetful, self-absorbed, creative, exasperating, determined, spacey...he could be the poster child for ADHD-I. His first year of school, he went to kindergarten without his backpack for days on end - and suffered the consequences. One day, we pulled out of the driveway before he realized he wasn't wearing a shirt.

When he turned 18, however, he had matured so very much that it was almost sad. He began to carry on articulate conversations with us, his friends, and (the real shocker) other adults. He discussed his future. He began volunteering at church, playing basketball, and fixing things around the house. He got his first steady job, working at a local dry cleaners. It was a great work situation - the owners like hiring students and helping them succeed at their first job. But the best part is that our son displayed terrific employee skills. He was always there, on time, and was spoken highly of by the customers.

The pay was decent, too. In fact, our son saved enough to buy his first car - with cash. He actually bought said car before he got his license. You'll have to guess why...but let's just say the people at the DMV knew us quite well.

But turning 18 didn't solve everything. On the first day of his Senior year of school, he drove to school for the very first time. He left one hour before school started, to beat the traffic. It was a very mature thing to do, trust me.

About five minutes after he left, he returned home.

What was wrong?

"I forgot my backpack."

Some things never change.

Although I suppose we should give him credit for wearing a shirt.

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Take Five!

It's amazing what can be accomplished in five minutes. When your child is feeling particularly overwhelmed, check his to do list, and point out one task that will only take five minutes. Set the timer, and watch the relief as one item can be crossed off as finished.

This hint also works great for parents. If you have a small task you've been dreading or putting off - like washing a window or writing a thank you note - set the timer for five minutes and get it over with!

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Making Friends - The OTHER Social Studies

Some children are born social butterflies. They attract friends, know what to say in any situation, have an uncanny sense of style, and always land on their feet. Then there are my kids - and maybe yours. Here are some tips on helping your child succeed in the study of all things social.

Help your child learn to make friends. Although we feel that friendships should happen naturally, finding friends is a skill that can be taught. There is a wealth of information available on this subject. A great source is the online ADDitude Magazine, which has a whole section on Friendships and Social Life. Surf around for some great stories and advice. My favorite book on the subject remains Good Friends Are Hard to Find: Help Your Child Find, Make and Keep Friends. It's got very practical advice and step by step instructions on forming friendships.

Make sure your child's clothes are in style. A couple of years ago we went to Washington DC , and school groups were everywhere. We stood in line at the National Archives in front of a relatively well behaved group of middle schoolers. As we waited (and waited), I noticed a family approaching, a mom, dad, and a middle school young man. Bless his heart, that poor child had on the most horrible, out of style clothes I think I have ever seen. His too short pants were tightly belted ABOVE his waist, his shirt was buttoned up and had a terrible pattern on it. He wore black tennis shoes like my grandmother used to wear. Worse, though, was his demeanor. He held his head down, and had a haunted 'who's going to laugh at me next?' look on his face. I braced myself as he passed the group of middle schoolers, but they thankfully didn't make a scene.

This child's clothing made him a target. Now, I know that we're supposed to teach our children that looks aren't everything, that it's what on the inside that counts, that you can't judge a book by its cover. I also know that most of us don't allow our boys out of the house in pants that sag under their bottoms, or our girls to show 9 inches of their stomach. Why? It's because of what people will think, and what they might DO or say. Face it. It DOES matter what our kids wear.

You may be like me - fashion challenged yourself. I take a friend with me shopping. When I'm buying stuff for my boys, I sometimes ask the cute little shop girl, "Is this an okay shirt?" I've sent my boys with money and a fashion and finance conscious adult, and instructions to "Hit the clearance racks first." I've bought lots of clothing on Ebay. (Sometimes people sell an entire wardrobe for CHEAP - so YOU don't have to think about fashion or matching!) I copy mannequins, too. And believe it or not, I sometimes watch, "What Not To Wear".

If our kids are already socially uneasy, we owe it to them to help them dress so that they aren't lightning rods for ridicule. When kids make fun, our kids feel more insecure, which lowers their confidence, which makes them more likely to be teased. It's a sink hole. I'm not talking about outfitting junior in the latest fads or brand names. (I'm WAY to cheap for that.) But we need to have our children in passably 'normal' clothing. I'm not much on clothesline preaching, but I'm pounding the pulpit on this one.

Teach your child some manners! What do you say when you meet someone for the first time? How do you introduce a friend to a parent, or a parent to a teacher? How do you say thank you after a visit? How do you say thank you for a gift you don't like?! What do you say when you're inviting someone to a party? How do you ask for someone on the phone? These are important lessons for our kids, and you may need to practice them.

Role play, for example, meeting the teacher. "Hello, Mrs. Anders. I'm Mrs. Smith, and this is my son Ryan." "Hello, Ryan." Teach Ryan to look the teacher directly in her eye and say, "Hello, how are you?" If you want him to shake hands, let him practice. We've practiced the whole routine of being presented a certificate by an adult. "As you approach the presenter, reach out with your right hand to shake hands. Take the award in your left hand and say thank you." Instruction and practice give your child confidence in such situations.

Need help? You're not alone! I told the story last spring about a meal Ash and I shared with two very 'cultured' friends of mine. Although my friends were gracious enough to ignore the fact, Ash demonstrated that he had no table manners. He chewed with his mouth closed and didn't burp or scratch, but that was about it. He reached across the table for bread, complained about what he was served, made nervous conversation... It was our fault; as he was the last child, my husband and I had never really paid much attention to his 'company' manners.

We've set out to change that. I bought a book for the boys called, Stand Up, Shake Hands, Say How Do You Do: What Boys Need to Know About Today's Manners. It's okay, and teaches some really good points, but it's dated. I'm getting ready to buy two more, hoping to cover all our bases. The first one, Tiffany's Table Manners for Teenagers will be useful when my boys launch themselves into society. It's pretty high brow, but I learned the hard way that there are occasions when our boys need the "know how of high brow". The second one, How Rude!: The Teenagers' Guide to Good Manners, Proper Behavior, and Not Grossing People Out, is an irreverent guide to manners, which my guys will enjoy, I'm sure. One caution on this book is its casual approach to teenage sex.


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Organizing Kids for School Using Color

Color is a great way to help keep your child organized for school. Choose one color for each subject - like green (money) for math - and use that color for the notebook, folder, and book jacket. In the folder, place a supply of paper for that class, and take a matching highlighter or marker and make a bold line on the edge of the paper. If your child neglects to put their paper back into the correct folder, the colored mark will make it easier for the paper to be found in the bookbag jumble.

Many elementary school teachers require a certain format for paper 'headings':

Kayla Fay
Spelling
Homework #6
February 17, 2009

If your child has trouble remembering to do this, go ahead and have her pre-label several pages with name and subject. Then highlight (in the appropriate color!) the spaces for the date and other information, reminding him to fill in. Even if a specific heading isn't required, placing a highlighted mark on the top of blank paper helps remind some children to write their name. Not that our kids are prone to forget or anything!

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Television - The Great Satan?

I've often thought that in 6 million years, archaeologists will marvel at the devotion the 21st century Earthlings had to their household gods. Excavation will show these deities in virtually every home, obviously objects of devotion, the focal point in a room. The gods were believed without question. Families emulated them, discussed them, and scheduled their lives around them. The parent was secondary in influence to the various versions of these boxes with a glass screen that captivated an entire civilization.

Despite the title of this article, I do not really think that we are all guilty of worshiping the god of the underworld. I am, however, quite turned off by the amount of affection and devotion we give to the unworthy television. Last week I was teaching a class of four year olds, and before the lesson began, one of the children informed me that she had to leave early so she could get home in time for American Idol. As a society, I'm afraid we truly have made television an idol - and not just an American one. Studies disagree on how much we watch per week; studies agree that we watch too much.

For the child with ADHD, the television experience varies. One of our sons invariably loses interest halfway through a show. Another was eight years old and still wet his pants rather than take a bathroom break during a movie. Our oldest son begs us to let him do his chores during commercials. For all of our boys, the television is a huge distraction, and if it is on anywhere in the house, our guys cannot do their homework or chores.

My husband I refuse to give others remote control of our home, and have taken several steps to channel our boys away from the seductive and addictive influence of the television. We thank the major networks for loaning us their initials to broadcast our system to you:

CBS - Cut the Box on Schooldays. We've taken the extreme position of not allowing television on weekdays. This has earned us the title of 'most unreasonable parents in the school', but we wear it with pride. To soften our image, we allow television freedom on the weekends, after chores and homework.

MSNBC - Make Summertime Nice. Bribe Children. During the nine weeks school is out, television time can be bought. For every minute spent on reading, we award time on the television or computer. We have an Excel spreadsheet that keeps up with time earned and spent. (If you're interested, email me at goaskmom AT..goaskmom.com and I'll send you a copy.)

FOX - Filter Out X#$@%. What children watch is often worthless, at best. At its worst, television undermines everything we teach as it spews foul language, violence, casual attitudes about sex, and disrespect for authority. When the boys were younger, our family used TV Guardian to help with the language. The other negative elements are impossible to remove, which is why the television has an 'off' button.

NBC - Note Basic Content. We teach our kids to evaluate a program by its main premise. "Aladdin" is one of my favorite movies, but it quite frankly glorifies being a thief. Gentle "E. T." leaves the impression that adults aren't to be trusted, and that dishonesty is justified when its purposes are noble. After watching a show, ask, "What did that movie just say? Was it a positive message or a negative one? How did it try to influence you?"

CNN - Cultivate Natural iNquisitiveness. We broaden the boys' world so that your children are interested in more than cartoons and sit-coms. We have many friends from other cultures. Dinner is lively with discussions about world events. Our travels and museum visits have piqued interest in subjects explored on the dreaded educational channels like Discovery and the History Channel. (I must add here that we have a picture of our boys glued to a cartoon show in Paris, and no, they do not speak French. I'm not sure this is an argument for or against my case!)

BET - Be Exemplary Teachers. A student doesn't rise above the teacher. Set a good example to your children by developing good viewing habits. Try to turn off the television for a whole week, and evaluate how addicted to the television you are.

Go ahead. Touch that dial. Adjust your family's antenna away from the television. The signal will be fuzzy at first, but over time, I think your reception will become a lot clearer. And may the archaeologists of the future find your home so devoid of the influence of the television that they identify you as a pagan.


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The Chore of Chores

Chores. Do you ever feel like giving chores is more of a chore for you than for your kid? My boys never got over the need to be nagged to do their chores. We had a checklist*, which helped immensely, but the boys themselves never morphed into creatures that walked in from school and immediately started to empty the trash.

Chores, however, are very important - for several reasons.

ADHD children are, by nature, self-centered. They often lack the ability to feel what someone else is feeling, or think like someone else. So they reckon that if they aren't upset by the dirty pair of underwear dropped in the living room (don't ask), then nobody else is upset either. Chores remind a child that they are revolving with the world - not in the center of it.

Chores are a fact of life, and part of parenting is preparing a child for life. Everyone eventually needs to how to make a bed, iron a shirt, mop a floor, and wash the dishes. Two of our boys no longer live at home, and each of them have expressed that they are glad they know how to do such tasks. I quote, "Man. Those guys are so stupid. They don't even know how to work a washing machine."

Chores also teach a child to do something he or she hates. Adults do dreaded tasks every day. Giving your child chores prepares them for this grim reality. For example, it requires a lot of self discipline for me to mop the kitchen floor. I don't mind folding laundry, vacuuming or dusting, and I love to clean out closets. But mopping? I'd rather take the proverbial beating. Nonetheless, mopping has to be done. So, to prepare them for the rigors of adulthood, my boys have to mop quite a lot.

Theoretically, chores give a child a sense of pride in their work, and a feeling of ownership in your home. Quite frankly, my boys disproved this theory. It really does sound good on paper, and probably holds true in your house. Or maybe not.

Finally, chores are great for you because you need the help. Running a house is a cooperative effort, and you are doing yourself and everyone else a disservice if you try to go it alone. Delegate. Divide and conquer. Share the joy. And maybe you'll never have to mop the kitchen floor again!

I read this post out loud to our youngest, and when I finished he informed me that if he followed my example and taught his children to mop, that he wouldn't have to learn how now.

Despite his wrangling for the contrary, my boys have chores. I developed some simple charts to use with my guys. They aren't sophisticated, but they sure helped. Email me at goaskmom AT..goaskmom.com if you'd like for me to email you a copy.

Take a look at My Magnetic Responsibility Chart for 2008 from Melissa and Doug. This very attractive chart was recommended by a reader. Designed for younger children, it's flexible and easy for non-readers to use. Kids get the pleasure of moving a magnetic piece when a task is accomplished.

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ADHD and Nutrition - Food For Thought

I've always tried to give my family healthy foods. I 've limited sugar intake, cooked 'from scratch', and made recipes as low calorie as possible. As the years have gone by, I've become even more careful about what foods I prepare. I thinkI've completely cut out MSG, for example, although I keep discovering it on labels (like Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup). And I rarely buy anything with nitrates - like bologna or hot dogs, with the great exception of frozen pepperoni pizza. I don't know if it's helped my kids focus any better, but it certainly hasn't hurt anyone.

We all know that there isn't a cut and dried ADHD diet that will cure distractibility. But I'm not alone in my suspicions that good nutrition has to help. Some parents swear by The Feingold diet. People swear by certain supplements, such as Attend, or Omega 3 ,which has really helped our family. The c3Kids is a popular program that emphasizes good nutrition. Here are some things that I have found work for our family.

Out of sight - out of mouth. If it's not there, they can't eat it. Don't buy so much junk. Buy fruit and vegetables, peanut butter and cheese, tuna and eggs. Pop popcorn. Get nuts you have to crack. If I don't have cookies, my boys eat mac and cheese and frozen pizza. (Yes, they're processed, but it beats an entire package of Oreos.) If we don't have soda, my boys drink water, milk, or juice. For some good, healthy and QUICK recipes for snacks, sign up for the newsletter at Health-E-Meals.com.)

You can't judge a carrot by its cover. While you're switching over, buy the snack-y looking, individually wrapped packages of carrots and tuna. I even saw Scooby Doo bottled water the other day. A recent study said that kids would eat anything in a McDonald's wrapper. It's scary, but true. Packaging can be everything.

All natural. I'm not talking about organic, necessarily. I'm talking about putting raw carrots on the table, fresh salads with oil and vinegar (or oil, garlic and lemon!) dressing, fresh fruits, grilled meats. Don't use sauces from a bottle - use garlic, fresh spices, onions and peppers. Marinate in lemon juice, orange juice, vinegar.

The whole truth. Use REAL whole grains. Brown rice. 100% whole wheat bread. Whole grain cereal and even spaghetti. I still laugh that Lucky charms advertises that it has whole grains. It does, but not much. And don't use instant. It really doesn't take that much longer to cook the real deal, but you have to put that rice on to cook at the beginning of your cooking!

Skip dessert. I rarely serve dessert. If the kids are hungry at the end of a meal, they can have seconds. Or thirds or fourths. Or we'll cut a watermelon, or they'll grab a piece of fruit. Okay, or have ice cream. We always have ice cream on hand - processed, sugary, fad laden and delicious.

We'll never be called health nuts at our house. We definitely have our days when we eat junk. But I HOPE that we've achieved some sort of balance to our eating habits, and to our diets.

PS Speaking of Lucky Charms, we LIKE them at our house. My boys never got them for breakfast, but I occasionally buy them for snacking. They're Ron's favorite. So when we dropped him off at college for the first time, I left him the biggest box of Lucky Charms I could find. How's that for balance?!

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Standardized Test Hint - Know When to Fold

Here's a great hint that will help your child during a standardized test. Though this year's tests are still a good way off, this strategy requires a bit of practice. So, take notes!

When taking a test, each child is given at least one piece of plain paper for scrap. The paper is most often unlined. Students should, just as they begin to take the test, fold that paper in half, in half again, and in half again.

For a reading test, children can use it as a place holder while they are reading. They can also jot down relevant points on one section of the folded paper. They'll use the notes to answer the questions for that reading selection.

When they go on to the next reading section, they simply turn the paper over to a new section - keeping the paper folded - and take notes again. They continue the process until all sections are used up and then ask for another sheet of paper if needed.

Because the brain wants to fill in any unused white space on a piece of paper, a child will write all over a large blank piece of paper in a disorganized fashion. When the paper is folded, students have a limited amount of space to fill in. They'll be organized, and know exactly where to look for their notes that will help them answer the question.

And then there is the distraction factor - and we all know how distracted ADHD kids get. A blank white field on the paper is a distraction to the brain. When the paper is folded, it helps a child to focus. In addition, when using a new section, there are no distractions from the notes made while working on other questions of the test.

When an entire space is filled up - it just feels like a success. Continue reading our hints on testing at A Bubble of Confidence.

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